Its strange the things that go through your head at three in the morning. Perhaps its because my brain is still asleep. Maybe it thinks that I am still dreaming. I am really not sure but either way, I have had some of the strangest thoughts as I search for a finger and blood.
Last night came a reoccurring thought...how sick is this process?? I mean really! Each night, I crawl into my son's room to slice his finger and make him bleed. I actually take pleasure in injuring my son's pale skin. I am upset when I do not see that red glow of blood flowing from him. This is what diabetes has reduced me to. A callous parent who is pleased to see blood spill from her child!
Its true. Blood gives me so much information. From his blood I know if his pump is delivering insulin properly. I learn if he bolused is meal in the correct manner. I know if we miscalculated for exercise. I know if we need more insulin, an early morning meal, or if I can sleep feeling relatively confident that he will wake up in the morning.
I began to wonder how many other diseases are this invasive? How many other parents take pleasure in seeing their child bleed multiple times over a 24 hour period. How many others breathe a sigh of relief when a needle pierces the skin of their child multiple times during a day because they know that it means that they will be alive for another day.
Diabetes is a sick disease. I am sure that there are other diseases that require our loved ones to be abused simply to stay alive but I thankfully have not experienced them. I have experienced filling a tiny finger with blood upwards of twelve times per day just to keep him healthy. I have also experienced seeing a tiny body laying lifeless in Intensive Care with tubes and wires running everywhere. I have seen my strong, young son grey and weak as ketones threaten to ravage his body. The bloodletting sadly seems justifiable but I pray that one day there will be a better way--a better way to keep him alive and healthy.